unmask me

2011-07-26T21:41:00.001-07:00

2007-01-21T09:54:00.000-08:00

strings.
(written whenever i was on the bus during my holiday in kl. spelling errors left untouched and poem is incomplete.)

she reminded me of someone i once
knew
black, black hair and porcelain skin
glitter in her eye and tinted pink mouth
a forgotten silence revisited through her smile
bumpy bus rides, loose fitting shoes
toes wriggling in the extra space,
wet leather in the pounding rain,
faces beaten out of and into shape
long narrow alleys, where lovers may have broken
laws, opened car windows free from heated air
molecules that stifle and irritate,
islandwide blackout, few candles lit in the
basement of shops,
frantic heartbeats turned into patters of felicity
as the smack of light punctures through.

cheap haircuts, urine stench of toilets,
feet tingling with the spur of
disgust from squelches of wet floors,
tissues a staple food for the
hygienically inclined,
endless cerulean skies with
magic clouds, stretching across and beyond
my eyesight,
bus jogging down the foggy roads,
reminding me of a certain
heartbreaking tragedy
that resonates to me louder and
harder than my own,
star crossed lovers on fields of grass and blues of
skies in twenty years of lies that shatters even themselves to the ground,
the embers of their ashes still burn bright inside of me.

malnourished trees, stand at attention, spaced
out as though rulers kept them in line,
wooden homes where freshly cooked food smells
like three dollars worth of my money and
a thousand takes of my breath,
the comfort of the word "home" lying in the
heart of rebellious nature domineering over
man's poor attempt to build pathways to futuristic
follies.

the shelter of my home,
the unlearning i attend at school,
educates me now at how
miniscule i am in the presence
of all these greenery and
i blush at my ungainly excitement
over seeing a cow in the
distance,
the reality of life and its
beings hitting me hard across the face in these
faces of hungry animals feeding on half dead
grass and tourist thrown litter, in the faces
of lame cats limping to safety begging for love,
or the angry eagles, angry no more
now merely bored at the stupid curiousity of
humans, blinking rapidly wishing them away
with their excuse of an attempt to capture
memories on film, so that they could maybe stop
this rackus [sic] and eat in peace.

an overturned overthrown lorry,
catching the eye of the wary,
always on the lookout for news
worthy deals to speculate and
share with fellow friends and strangers
alike, as though these bits of
information may actually make
some sort of difference to anyone's
world.

not mine.

the heavy daunting stone
reached out to the Gods
above, the cuts in the
rock creating a stairway to heaven for
the giants, and the fools that sit on
giants' shoulders,
i wonder why the desire to protect oneself
from the sun reigns so strongly in them,
as they pull their curtains across the
span of clear glass and sleep, instead of
being a voyeur like me, molesting each and
every landscape and being with my greedy
eyes, hopelessly trying to embed these
imprints of near perfection into my soul.

my tired feet, stinging from treading bargain deals,
threatened to run from aggressive shop sellers, refusing
to allow you to pass unless you agree to submit to their
demands,
eyes following the crinkle of my smile, the
lopsided accent, my obvious difference
in gait, i tell them to either fuck off
or stare back, wanting to be inconspicuous
yet making myself the centre of attention at the same time.

i watch the time swing by, sixteen hours or
more of my ass fraternizing with the bus seat
beginning to lose interest in the
rubber facade of everything, including
the aforementioned chair.

abrupt conversations with
expected endings, ever cold mornings with
more than just dew moistening the ground,
colourful traditions wrapping around
working women, foreheads
plastered with sweat
the faded cap and plastic goggles
masking the weathered face of the
man on a mission to eradict [sic] the world from
pesky bugs

2005-12-16T07:09:00.000-08:00

'when the pain breaks your heart
and the questions remain unanswered
the wound grows wider
deeper
angrier
darker.
one cannot decipher the truth
nor
can one misread the lies
how do you know when it's time to
move
on
?
it's burning, burning,
buring a fire right through
me.'

undated

2005-12-16T07:08:00.000-08:00

The Secret Power of Womankind

Frizzled hair
Fingers twisting my curls
White, as white can be
Like moonlight sparkles that wrinkle the surface of the ocean
Speckled gold dust
Tinting the emerald disc, that I call my iris
Pouted lips, ruby-red
Artificial only to the naked eye
Unbeknownst to strangers
They're torn pieces of flesh
Bleeding, like my heels
From the tightness of my shoes
Beauty, in the most commercial aspect
Dazzling teeth greet my acquantaince
Voice, so soothing
So seductive
I win every battle he proposed
I am woman, hear me roar

Efel-Y, 22:14, April 3rd 2003

2005-12-07T07:00:00.000-08:00

something from 28th jan

Ocean Girl

the ocean; calm, serene, demure
like a pink girl in a flowery breeze
the waves rippled the glassy surface
tinting glimmers of shine in the flaky layers
the hard concrete scent of approaching rain
showered the midgets with blessed tears
i cried myself to sleep with your words
tucked under my pillow, like possessed dragons
"surrender thyself!" cried the wind
and the raging storm followed suit
the pink girl, no more
now a merciless demon
she conquered the world, like carpeted stripes
lacquered upon a tiger's back
the moment lives on

-end-

2005-12-07T06:47:00.001-08:00

life is full of wonder
mystery surrounding the eclipses of the sun
the hazy fog dimming the light at the end of the tunnel
does hope exist? or does faith blur the lines of dreams?
where does rain come from if not the heavens?
does it burn when you choke on blood?
how can individuality prevail if noone stands alone?
we run from consequences as they snap at our heels
yet we embrace infedility and ruthlessness from their damned forests of nature
man cannot exist without truth
yet man does not believe in truth
man chooses to drown in blades of lies
where do we go from here?
do we die in the arms of our Creator or do we surrender to everlasting hell?

22/05/2004

2005-12-07T06:47:00.000-08:00

and so she was drunk
with emotions, with blood and with pills
unnecessary
the many runs
the many slices
the many repeated strokes
time will heal the physical wounds
fire, oh fire, burn bright
as the red red life flows onto the floor
like tears from a rape victim
unheard, unfelt and untouched
she laughs, cries and speaks like a widow lost of her husband
the pain sinks in and she cries some more
time may heal all wounds
but if she doesn't want to heal, time is non-existent
progress is stagnant
the past is the present
the future is pre-determined
she falls asleep.

24/04/2004

2005-12-07T06:44:00.001-08:00

whatwouldyoudo
whenyou'vegotblades
staringatyouinthefacerefusingtogoaway?
andyoustareatyourscars
andwonderhowstupidyouwere?
whenyou'rechokinginside
unabletospeakandpeoplejudgingyoujustcosyou'redifferent? whenyou'reafraidtofallcosithurts
whenyourfaceispressedagainsttheasphalt?

whatwouldyoudo?

Schizophrenia actually can cure your pain.

10/11/2003

2005-12-07T06:44:00.000-08:00

Is this what life is?
A full disguise, a mask unwanted
A jacket unrecognisable
A wig unidentifiable
Pretending to you
Lying to myself
Painting a painted smile
Cheorographed a dance for you
So you can be satisfied
It doesn't matter if I bleed
Doesn't matter if I cry, hurt, torn apart
I just wanna make you happy

19/08/2003

2005-12-07T06:43:00.001-08:00

My Funeral by yours truly...

Dancing in the sky
Toes barely touching reality
Breeze playing with my hair
Eyes stinging form the acidity
of tears fighting to be released

Emotional

That's what my life is
Two pills down my system
And all the hurt becomes fantasy
Seduction caused by the fear
It's almost too much to bear
Clasping my hands together
Knees pressed against the cold floor
Something hit me from my back
Surge of pain almost broke my neck
Eyelids flew open to look into blurry stars
Reached...but they're too far
Tasted blood as my tongue ran over my gums
Couldn't spell anger
Cause it blinded me
Couldn't see sense
Didn't want to believe
As I shuddered my last breath
And cried my last tear
Only God understood my pain
As I wasted away in vain...

Come to my funeral
Bring your memories with you
Cause there's nothing left to be remembered
Just my hands cold and lips blue

Come to my funeral
Won't you come and see
What those pills made me do
What has become of me

Come to my funeral
Pray for my departing flight
I know no pain, I know no anger
Just one last goodnight...

Efel-Y, 19th March 2003, 16:12pm

2005-12-07T06:43:00.000-08:00

Raindrops dotted the ground
Filling up the cracks
Splattered on me, as I watched brown become black
Facing the blueness
Pellets of water caressed my lips
I ran my tongue over its dryness
I lost myself to its beauty

11/07/2003

2005-12-07T06:41:00.000-08:00

Pain seeped into my veins
Arteries choked on foul poison
Metal rust on chains
Bonded with my blood
As the weapon in question cuts into my skin
the very fibre of my soul
the very essence of my being
Destroyed, upon its fatal touch

13/07/2003

2005-12-07T06:40:00.000-08:00

Angels
Whispering in my ear
Wrapping their arms around me
Toying with my hair
Twirling strands of fragility around their fingers
Tugging gently
Murmuring an incomprehensible ballad

A song, close to my heart
Yet burning my tormented soul
My eyelids flew open, pupils flaring red
Angered by their truths
Those lies that I dread
The angels ripped my crown off
Humiliating me
I lost myself in the storm, lost my dignity

I bared my gleaming fangs
My claws dripping blood
As I slashed and tore them apart
Whipping my weapon, which I call my tail
My voice, now a scream
My words, a torrent of pain
My face, unrecognisable
My anger, raging insane

As I sobbed away in my corner
A flaming sea in me
I could never be like them
Never an angel, never will I be

160703
0914 hours

2005-12-07T06:34:00.003-08:00

Staring into blank space
Pain eroding my mind
Sculptures of angels in the mist

I giggle in nervousness
As fear evoked me
Tugging at the strings of my sanity

My eyes, darting back and forth
I'm still alone
Where are you?

The distant roar of thunder
Gathered the clouds for the storm
I await your arrival

It's been three weeks
I'm dying
But...I still sit still

Why must you leave me here?
Have I sinned?
Take me back please
Let me in

My eyes itch
My skin burns
But I will stay faithful
Please return
02/06/2003

2005-12-07T03:33:00.001-08:00

Just saw the Prince William documentary thingy... If I were a prince and surrounded with the bloody media, I'd probably have a poem like this in my journal.

Bright lights, flashes
Invading me
Doors closed, aren't enough
I've got to skin myself
Disguise myself
Hide myself

They call my name
How I despise my name
When they say it
The word just tears my soul
Just rips my bones off my ribs
Just dissolves my brain
When they say it

Staring at myself, through their eyes
I am not me
I am a picture of perfection
An epitome of success
I furrow my brows
Can't they see me frown?
And yet...

I smile and wave
This is my kingdom
My troubles compiled and piled upon me
I have to live this life
This is my destiny

I see her
But I fear to be rejected
Nervousness evoke me
I grin at her
She grins back...
...then leaves

Here I am, in my bed
Chewing on my nails
I look out of the window
My responsibility awaits me

Closed my eyes
Heart drenched in sorrow
No more flashes of the cameras
That, is in tomorrow

230603
0322 hours

2005-12-07T03:33:00.000-08:00

Her gentle smile; a seductive flower nodding in the breeze
Her melodious laugh; each syllable pronounced in the most exquisite manner
Her grace; only a princess is capable of
She fluttered her eyelashes, melting his broken heart into whole

He watched her silouhette, afraid of meeting her eyes
Stole glances at her hair
His fingers itching to touch the silky strands of beauty
His thirst for her love grew by magnitudes unimaginable by humans

The day came when the self-proclaimed beast decided to fall of the beauty's feet
His pulse beating to the rhythm of a stormy sea
His blood speeding to his brain; clogging up the passageway of thought
He drew closer to her; her scent almost choking him
Then...she looked at him

And turned away

No words were spoken, not even a breath exchanged
He blinked back the iron tears, he clutched his heart in pain
Excruciating, seething, searing, blinding pain
His heart broke again into two
What was once an ocean of desire, now a hole of dancing spiders

In the dark, the beast sobbed in shame
His sadness overwhelmed his rage
Yet, he grasped a picture in his clawed fist
Of a fair maiden he adored
The beauty of her smile, the caress of her voice, the whispers of her grace...
...melted his soul again

10/08/2003

2005-12-07T03:24:00.000-08:00

polka dotted ribbon against orange fabric.

restrictions.

lines drawn between star crossed lovers.

entangled veins.

sewn hearts of reluctant passengers.

brace yourself for an emotional rollercoaster.

30/12/2003

2005-12-07T03:23:00.002-08:00

plunge into my wrist
take it all in
the punctured vein surrenders
spurts of release
into your hungry gaping mouth
the thorn tore my skin wider
wider apart
your tongue swam into my knotted veins
picked one out
and ripped it away from life
you died in my arms

09/12/2003

2005-12-07T03:23:00.001-08:00

If my heart could speak, it'll shut up

If my words could heal, it'll kill black widows

If my touch could soothe, it'll tear your skin

If my song was graceful, it'll fall flat

If my eyes were hope, it'll disappoint

If my heart was human, it'll pray for mutation.

27/10/2003

2005-12-07T03:23:00.000-08:00

Imagine a camera
Watching up on you
Spying your eyelashes
Your muscle reflexes
Your toe twitches

Imagine a camera
Locating your every movement
The art of your smile
The frown on your brow
The glistening liquid in your eye

The silence of your heartache

I wish I had that camera
So I can capture the intensity of your radiance
The euphoria of your aura
The laughter of your iris

I am that camera
Say cheese.

11/09/2003

2005-12-07T03:22:00.000-08:00

Immerse thyself into a pool of burning spit
Symbolic, yet a filth made to rid the blessed sins in thee
Stake a pole into the crack
A heart, caked with blood
Torn before, stabbed once again
Don't look
Just remember
Remember thy tormented self
An empty being craving for honeyed utterings
Lies, but sweet
Lie to me, deceive me
Repent

28/08/03

2005-12-07T03:21:00.000-08:00

I am a puppet, look at me!
Dancing and prancing about with glee!
My painted smile fools everyone else
As I appear to move all by myself!

As all the children and parents cheer
Noone notices a lonesome tear
My feet aches, my heart hurts more
My mind fills with anger; blood and gore!

I rip away from my nylon strings!
I slash away at the beautiful things!
Noone stayed to watch or linger
As I snap off my master's fingers!

He screamed, I laughed!
We both made noise!
We both ran about like two lost boys!
My painted smile became reality
No more hiding in fantasy!

I am a puppet, look at me!
Dancing and prancing
Now I'm FREE!

1050hrs, 25/08/03

2005-12-07T03:20:00.000-08:00

A puppet
Stringed, controlled, lifeless
His eyes longing to be free
From applause, laughter and awe
Wanting to fly
Needing to escape
Away from his master's grip
The very palms that gave him breath
The fingers that moulded his features
The being that induced a soul in his empty frame
A God to him, yet a devil in his touch

The puppet peered into the crowd
Through his eyes; painted misty blue
His carved smile fooling the masses
Disguising his sorrow through and through

1021 hrs, 25/08/03

2005-12-07T03:18:00.000-08:00

A lover's yearning; the sweet sorrow of patience
The tempting urge to proclaim her confessions
Only to turn away from the fear
The fear of loneliness, nothingness, emptiness
How could he not realize?
How could he smile at her and leave her pondering?

His gentle smile, a caress on her cheek
His melodious voice, a message from the heavens
She could only watch, never any closer
She could only dream, never any dearer
She could only pray, never any deeper

His humble nature
His sweet, sweet laugh
The sound that leaves her shuddering with euphoria
The taste of his name upon her thirsty lips
The torrent of emotions rushing past her
A lesser woman would back down
Not her.

She gazed at him, hoping to catch his eye
Yet, afraid to look into his soul
Frightened at the possibility that he might not need her as much as she needs him
As she finally tore her eyes away from him,
She ripped her heart apart

Twirling the pen with her fingers
She smiled sadly to herself
The one thing she's ever wanted
Belonged to someone else...

19/08/03